Guilt is a Good Thing – for 5 Minutes

Guilt is a Good Thing – for 5 Minutes. Here's why:

Rav Shlomo Wolbe tz’l says that when people think it’s good to be sad about their aveiros – they don’t realize that it’s the work of the yetzer hara.

Is Rav Wolbe telling us that we shouldn’t feel sad and guilty when we do something wrong? That guilt is a bad thing?

The truth is that guilt really is a good thing.

People who don’t feel guilty are people you don’t want to get to know. They’re the psychopaths and chain murderers who take up residence in the local prisons.

So like I said - guilt is a good thing. For 5 minutes.

Guilt serves a very important purpose. It’s that little voice inside you telling you when you haven’t done right.

Might we call it your conscience?

It’s asking you to see what you’ve done wrong and propel you into action - and change it.

And then you say farewell to the guilt. Au Revoir, Adios. Auf Wiedersehen.

But sometimes you get stuck in the guilt. Still feeling the guilt, weeks, months and even years later.

Look, I know, at some point in time, you made a bad decision, and you feel really bad about it. But the question is: do you really want to spend your present and your future obsessing over it?

Or do you want to learn from it and move on to be better.

Be guilty. By all means - but only for 5 minutes. In 5 minutes, you can do 3 things.

Step 1 - Decide if you actually did something wrong.

Sometimes people feel guilty but they haven’t actually done anything wrong. Like a kid who feels responsible or guilty for his parents' divorce, or victims of gaslighting or toxic relationships where they were made to feel that they did something wrong - when they didn’t.

Or even feeling badly that you didn’t give your child more time because you had to work, or that you didn’t help your married daughter because you were exhausted. Be honest with yourself – did you actually do something wrong? Or would it have been nice to do something that you weren’t able to do?

If you didn’t actually do anything wrong - then you shake guilt’s hand and thank him - wholeheartedly: ‘you keep me honest and in check - thank you, come again next time.’

If you did do something wrong, then you go on to:

Step 2 - What exactly did you do wrong? And, what triggered it?

Guilt helps you check yourself. This is where you take a long look in the mirror. Stop pointing the finger at someone else and see your part is in this.

Where did I go wrong? And why? If you can get to the root of it – to know what triggered your wrong deed, then you can figure out how to avoid it in the future.

Also, do you need to make amends? Seek forgiveness? Address your emotions, maybe seek help? 

Step 3 - Make a plan of action to make sure whatever you did doesn’t happen again. 

Do you need to wake up earlier so you’re not rushed and panicked in the morning? Do you need to rest more so you’re not frustrated and overwhelmed? Not touch your phone after 10pm so you don’t stay up too late? Change a perspective or mindset? Address an emotional trigger?

What steps will you take to make sure that you address the root of the problem and ensure that this doesn’t ever happen again?

And that’s it. 5 minutes. Ok, ok, if you do step 2 and 3 I’ll give you an hour.

To summarize:

1 - Did you do something wrong? If you did

2- Take responsibility for your actions, understand what led you there 

3- Make a plan of action for the future

Then guilt will have served its purpose and you can leave it behind. And then… you move on to become the better version of yourself that this guilt has taught you.

Being stuck in guilt for too long is the work of the yetzer hara! This is what Rav Wolbe wants us to know.

If your guilt is out of control - remember what the guilt is for. Take responsibility, really admit what you did wrong, and make a plan for the future.

You feel guilty when you do wrong? That’s a good thing. But don’t let yourself be weighed down by too much guilt. Feel it, heal it and move on to live your life with simcha!