She Opens Her Mouth with Wisdom

פיה פתחה בחכמה

She opens her mouth with wisdom.  Mishlei 31:26  

Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky was truly a great woman who opened her mouth with a lot of wisdom.  I have printed a few excerpts from her new book Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky, A Legendary Mother to All. My hope is that it should give us all chizuk in our interpersonal relationships, as she had exceptional middos, especially in patience, chessed, loving every Yid, and in knowing how to say things in the best way that they would be heard.  I’ve included the page numbers for your reference.  I also included the Rebbetzin’s letter at the end.  I highly recommend the book – as a friend said – it’s not very often that you have a book about the Gadol Hador who is a woman.  Im yirtze Hashem we should be able to learn from her great ways!  Enjoy!

The two and a half bedroom house at 23 Rechov Rashbam, to which the Kanievskys moved in 1959, accommodated all eight children.  The children related that, growing up, they were always happy and never felt deprived.  Their mother never raised her voice, and their needs were provided in a calm, pressure-free environment.  Despite her responsibilities to her husband and the many visitors who came to see her, Rebbetzin Kanievsky was always available to her children.  R’Avraham Yeshayah doesn’t remember one time that his mother didn’t say good-bye to him when he went to learn in yeshivah.  She would prepare a food package or him, hug and kiss him, accompany him to the front door and give him a berachah that his learning be successful and that he merit to properly serve Hashem.  The other Kanievsky children, including the girls, related that whenever they left home to go to school, the Rebbetzin was always there at home, warmly wishing them a successful day.

R’ Avraham Yeshayah related that his mother never gave children mussar; rather, she led by example and with simchas ha’chaim.  When the children displayed good middos or studied well, the Rebbetzin’s face radiated with joy.  R’ Yitzchak Shaul recounted that she would at times pull the children to the side and tell them how much nachas she was deriving from their good middos and deeds.  The children were always trying to excel and do the right thing as they realized that was the way to please her. When the children were growing up, the house was always neat and clean.  The Rebbetzin knew their favorite foods and would try to serve each child the food that was to his or her liking, including a variety of freshly squeezed juices.  For some children she would squeeze orange juice; for another she would prepare a combination of several different juices.  She was always asking her children what she could make for them for the next meal and was extremely sensitive to their needs.

Whenever the Rebbetzin sensed a tense situation about to develop between the children, she would be there to defuse it.  If she felt that one of the girls was excelling in a good middah, she would tell R’ Chaim about it in their daughter’s presence and privately praise her as well.  Pg 127-128

One Friday morning, more than 10 years before the Rebbetzin’s petirah, when R’ Chaim make a quick siyum on several masechtos.  The Rebbetzin came in with cake and coffee for R’ Chaim and his chavrusos as she did every Friday morning, but that day she served R’ Chaim’s coffee in an extra-large glass that she had never used before.

In front of R’ Yitzchak Zilberstein and the others who were learning with them, she declared, “Chaim, the reason I brought in such a large glass is that you deserve extra coffee today because you made a siyum.  I’m so proud of you!”  Rav Chaim smiled and thanked her.

Later, Rebbetzin explained to R’ Yabrov that she served R’ Chaim the large glass of coffee and praised him because it is very important for people to hear complimentary words from others.  It is particularly incumbent upon a wife to always praise her husband.

“Since it is my obligation as a wife to compliment R’ Chaim, I usually do so in private.  But occasionally I make it a point to praise him in public.”  Then she added, “The words a wife uses to praise her husband are the most precious words she will say in her life.  There is never a situation where one spouse gives another too much praise.”  Pg. 138-139

R’ Shlomo Kanievsky explained that to his mother, helping Rav Chaim learn was her greatest honor.  He compared it to being married to a prime minister or president.  No one tells the president’s wife, “We are so sorry for you!  Your husband has to be away so many hours each day.  His mind is always preoccupied with national problems, and he hardly spends time with the children.”  It is considered an honor to be the wife of a president or prime minister.

The Rebbetzin didn’t regard her dedication to R’ Chaim as a sacrifice.  To the contrary, it was an honor.  Even in her younger years, when R’ Chaim wasn’t yet well known, she was very proud to be his wife.  For the Rebbetzin, the Torah that she helped him learn was worth everything, and she dedicated herself to helping her husband grown in Torah.

R’ Shlomo added that part of the Rebbetzin’s success in speaking to people stemmed from the fact that she was so happy to do everything for Torah.  When she saw how many sefarim R’ Chaim wrote and how much Torah he was learning, her contagious joy for Torah study spilled over to the thousands who came to her. Similarly, since Torah was her highest priority, all materialistic pleasures were meaningless to her and she was perfectly happy without them.  Thus, she was able to happily impart a Torah message to everyone.  Pg. 144

One month after the Weintraubs moved in, as the two women were chatting outside they noticed that a bris was being celebrated in the Lederman Shul next door.  “I’m going over to wish mazel tov,” Batsheva announced.  “Who is making a bris?” asked the newcomer.  Batsheva replied that she had no idea – but she liked going to s’machos to say mazel tov even if she didn’t know the baalei simchah!   Pg 158

In the last years of the Rebbetzin’s life, when tens of people flocked to her daily, women often requested advice for getting along with their neighbors, who frequently lived in very close proximity.  The Rebbetzin would reply that if someone is always looking to do good and trying to assist her neighbors, a productive, mutually beneficial relationship will blossom.  Pg. 164

When it came to Shalom Bayis issues, the Rebbetzin didn’t stop at davening and giving berachos, but became actively involved in mediating disagreements.  With her charm and wit she succeeded in resolving many disputes.  She would frequently repeat to a woman that her job is to let her husband learn Torah, and a wife should do her utmost to bring harmony into the home.  Men are just as sensitive as women, the Rebbetzin stressed, and their dignity is very important to them.  Therefore, a woman should employ only positive means to encourage and guide her husband to study Torah, but never insult her husband, who may be extremely sensitive.  Spouses must be sensitive to each other, as couples rely on each other for emotional support and encouragement and one should never be humiliated by the other. Pg. 345

R’ Chaim often voiced his belief to his wife that once children get married, their parents should not offer criticism or unsolicited ideas or opinions, unless absolutely necessary. Rather, they should always try to be open-handed with their children offering help, gifts, and items that they need.

The Rebbetzin’s children all emphatically stated that when they were growing up, their mother would work very hard to guide and direct them, with much wisdom and no criticism.  However, when they were married, she would offer guidance only if her children asked for her opinion.

R’ Avraham Yeshayah recounted that whenever he had a chinuch related question about one of his children or grandchildren, he would discuss it with his mother.  Her understanding of each child’s attributes and flaws never failed to impress, and her clear direction regarding each individual was always on target.  She never offered unsolicited advice.  Even when her children asked her to speak to her grandchildren, she resisted getting involved.  She never reproached them directly, but communicated her message in a roundabout fashion, punctuating her stores with the points she wanted to convey.  Pg369

“Savta,” Leah Honigsberg asked, “What is it about you that makes so many people come from all over the world to see you?  What is so special about the advice that you give?”

The Rebbetzin always gave the same answer to this question: “It is because I truly love all the people who come here.  That’s probably the reason they like to come see me.”  Pg. 381

Reproduced from Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky, A Legendary Mother to All by Naftali & Naomi Weinberger with Nina Indig with permission of the copyright holders, ArtScroll / Mesorah Publications, Ltd.

Dear Women and Girls!

We need you to help us with prayers! The situation in Eretz Yisrael is very difficult. Lately we are suffering terrible losses, many orphans and widows from different diseases. My husband, The Rav, was asked what could be the reason for all these tragedies. The Rav opened a Gemara and said it is because of foul language. And how can we correct ourselves? Only by being careful of our speech.

  I read an article written by Rabbi Segal from Manchester who writes:  "Never did I see a person who learned 2 Halachos of Shemiras Halashon every day and didn't see salvation from Above, whether regarding children, shidduchim, good health, parnassah or bringing up  children." He had promised that whoever will learn the Chofetz Chaim, he (R’ Segel) will be his defender in Heaven."

We witnessed miracles that happened to people who took upon themselves two Halachos every day and saw yeshuos. While I was reading the article, a woman walked in, crying, and said

 she has a number of adult daughters who are still not married.  I showed her the article and immediately she said she will learn two halachos of shemiras halashon every day.  Within three days one daughter got engaged. Two months later her second daughter, and baruch Hashem, this woman saw many yeshuos.  Like her, hundreds of girls who took upon themselves the studying of shemiras halashon got married.

 A different story is about a woman who came to us about a year ago in great sorrow, saying that she had been married for 20 years and didn't have children.  I advised her to learn two halchos every day and baruch Hashem she conceived and now has a month-old baby boy.

 And another story:  A few weeks ago a woman came to me, broken and crying, and said that her mother is in the hospital with a growing tumor.  She asked what she could take upon herself to help. Again, I advised that the entire family learn two halachos of shemiras

 halashon every day. Two days later she returned and asked of me to publicize her story and the miracle that happened.  She said that the entire family gathered and decided to learn two halachos daily.  Two days later they received a phone call from the hospital saying to come and pick up the mother, the tumor is gone and she is in good health.

 I hear many miracles such as these.  And now, we should all take upon ourselves, bli neder, to learn two halachos of shemiras halashon every day and pray with great kavana.  A prayer that comes from the heart through a holy mouth is immediately accepted by Hashem, prevents many troubles and  tragedies and brings yeshuah to the world.  In the future, each one of us will be shown how many wonderful things we did, how many people we saved, and thanks to you, my dear righteous women and girls, we  will have the zechus to bring

 Mashiach Tzidkeinu soon in our days.

 Yehi Ratzon that Hashem will fulfill all of our wishes for the best,

 B. Kanievsky

Reproduced from Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky, A Legendary Mother to All by Naftali & Naomi Weinberger with Nina Indig with permission of the copyright holders, ArtScroll / Mesorah Publications, Ltd.